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Funny Facebook & Twitter Statuses

November 21st, 2011 David No comments

Funny Facebook & Twitter statuses are a great way to brighten up your social networking profile page. If you are looking for Facebook Status then your search ends here, you have landed on the right page. This article is all about very funny Facebook status messages that have been written by real people. You will find here all Funniest Facebook Status, just read the full collection of the funny facebook statuses.

 

  • decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
  • One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
  • When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
  • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
  • sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
  • X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
  • X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
  • What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
  • slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
  • wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
  • X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
  • People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
  • Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
  • ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
  • Dear Santa, let me explain…
  • I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
  • My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
  • If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
  • Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
  • Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
  • Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
  • Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
  • ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
  • _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
  • if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
  • scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
  • ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
  • Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
  • The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
  • Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
  • i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
  • Cut here —————–✄———————-
  • Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
  • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
  • People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
  • Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
  • Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
  • Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
  • Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
  • So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
  • X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
  • Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
  • You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
  • Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
  • I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
  • Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
  • I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
  • X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
  • Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
  • what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
  • I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
  • press the star below and watch it glow icon smile Funny Facebook & Twitter Statuses
  • ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
  • I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
  • Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
  • X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
  • Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
  • I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
  • X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
  • X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
  • ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
  • Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
  • wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
  • X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
  • Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
  • If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
  • eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
  • I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
  • a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
  • ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
  • All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
  • too cool for school.
  • trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
  • the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
  • –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
  • definitely not watching what not to wear.
  • forcing my dog to learn how to google.
  • kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
  • Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
  • X is Loading ████████████ 99%
  • Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
  • U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
  • X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
  • Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
  • I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
  • In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
  • X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
  • never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
  • a day late and a dollar short.
  • Insert coin to view my status message.
  • If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
  • We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
  • happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
  • seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
  • remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
  • > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
  • 20/20 hearing!

I know the world isn’t going 2 end in 2012 cuz my yogurt expires in 2013!

I like to name my ipod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.

Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.

Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like

Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?

I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected ”

Roses are redish, Violets are blueish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we would all be Jewish!

why do we need school???
music~we have YouTube for that.
Spanish ~i watch Dora.
English ~everything is shortened anyway (brb,idk,lol).
geography~i will buy a globe.
history~they are all dead anyway.
math~that is why we have the calculator.
spelling~we have spell check on the computer.

People make the world go around but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?

NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

what’s the difference between puberty & a water bottle? a water bottle hit Justin Bieber first! (;

Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag xD

Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.

Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.

We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich ! icon smile Funny Facebook & Twitter Statuses

Me and my mom were shopping for new Cd’s and she asked me..
Mom: honey, Who’s your favorite artist?
Me: Eminem
Mom: The candy?
Me: no the rapper
Mom:What’s so special good about Candy Wrappers?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?

status: I can’t log into facebook icon sad Funny Facebook & Twitter Statuses

A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser

*BLOND GOES TO THE DOCTOR TO FIND OUT IF SHE IS PREGNENT*
Doctor: your pregnent
Blond: *smiles* icon smile Funny Facebook & Twitter Statuses
Doctor: your having twins
Blond: *crys*
Doctor: is’ant that good?
Blond: i dont know who the father is for the other baby
Doctor: LUCKY IM A BRUNETTE !!!!!!!

Your make-up looks so pretty:) lol jk it looks like a crayola raped your face!!!

My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won???”

Sometimes i fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

i know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling

Sorry, Ke$ha the party dont stop till I walk in.

Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.

How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?……………enough to kill 2 1/2 men….

I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!

Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

Relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.

I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me .

I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”

Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.

A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!

Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except for a punch in the face. But we can still raise awareness!

One day a chicken croxed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!

Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!

Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself

Categories: Funny, web Tags:

A new Bedroom look

November 18th, 2011 David No comments
c72a7c0f0f82dd209ce4501ae21f76f8 A new Bedroom look
Categories: Architecture, Travel Tags:

ParkPal NYC – the best way to find parking. Free.

November 16th, 2011 David No comments

201104 b parkpal3 ParkPal NYC   the best way to find parking. Free.

New York City drivers (and visitors to the Big Apple) flustered with the elaborate maze of parking regulations, shifting street-sweeping schedules, and frivolous no-parking hours can rejoice. A new app for iPhone and iPad untangles Gotham’s parking knot by illuminating the city’s rules and regulations with a tap of a finger. Building on previous parking apps, ParkPal ($FREE, Apple) delivers an easy-to-operate and accurate—the information comes from the New York City Department of Transportation database—interface with parking ordinances from all five boroughs. But they also have a website www.parkpalnyc.com

201104 b parkpal1 ParkPal NYC   the best way to find parking. Free.

Presented on a Google map, streets are painted red, green, or yellow to signify parking availability in real time. When users tap on a street, a complete day-by-day, hour-by-hour breakdown pops onto the screen. The app even details regulations that change within the same block and drops a pin on the map to mark the parking location.

201104 b logo ParkPal NYC   the best way to find parking. Free.

Drivers in other major American metropolises can look forward to forthcoming additions as ParkPal’s reach grows. Because as anyone who’s spent time driving endlessly around the convoluted streets of the West Village or strained their eyes squinting at signs in Midtown will tell you, a good spot is hard to find.

Nate Storey is a research assistant at Travel + Leisure.

Categories: Apps, Cool, Gear, web Tags:

OGIO Chamber Bag

November 6th, 2011 David No comments

ogio chamber OGIO Chamber Bag

“Click-clank, click-clank.” Such is the sound of the golf course, whether you’re manning up and carrying your clubs or taking advantage of your local course’s lax drinking-and-driving rules behind the wheel of a cart. The OGIO Chamber Bag ($260) features the company’s new Silencer club protection system, which uses 14 individual compartments with teeth-like openings that center and gently hold the club shaft, keeping them from banging together like so many pots and pans. Less “click-clank,” more “chug-chug-cheer.”

Categories: Best of Uncrate, Gear, Sports Tags:

The Holstee Manifesto

November 5th, 2011 David No comments

 The Holstee Manifesto

This is your LIFE. Do what you love and DO IT OFTEN. If you don’t like something, CHANGE IT. If you don’t like your job, QUIT IT. If you don’t; have enough time, STOP WATCHING TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP…  … They will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. STOP OVER ANALYZING, All emotions are beautiful when you eat and APPRECIATE, every last bite. LIFE IS SIMPLE. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things, and people, WE ARE UNITED IN OUR DIFFERENCES. Ask the next person you see, what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them. TRAVEL OFTEN; GETTING LOST WILL HELP YOU FIND YOURSELF. Some opportunities only come once you seize them. LIFE IS ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET, and the things you create with them. SO GO OUT AND START CREATING. Life is to short. LIVE YOUR DREAM and SHARE YOUR PASSION

Full Size Image

Categories: Art, Books, Other, Podcast & Blogs, Style Tags:

iPhone 5

November 3rd, 2011 David No comments

Finally, my wish came true! We have a new iPhone 5 concept straight after the iPhone 4S launch… Created by Antonio de Rosa, this model comes with a capacitive home button, aluminum unibody case, a 4.3 inch screen and a dual core Apple A6 processor.

iPhone5 concept ADR Studio 1 iPhone 5

It’s also got iOS 5.1 and iCloud, while its body looks more compact than ever, so it may have a thickness lower than 8.5mm (Galaxy S II thickness). The elongated capacitive Home button is something that people have been talking about for a while now, so it would be a pity not to capitalize on that innovation.

This week I’ve heard that Apple finally decided to go with Samsung as its next CPU maker, although TSMC seemed like the favourite for making the A6 for a while… Also, inside sources are saying that the same case size of the iPhone 4S will be kept, but the screen will be made bigger, so maybe we’re talking edge to edge display here. These are all usual rumors, that we’ll be hearing for a year now, till the iPhone 5 gets released…

iPhone5 concept ADR Studio 2 iPhone 5

iPhone5 concept ADR Studio 3 iPhone 5

iPhone5 concept ADR Studio 4 iPhone 5

iPhone5 concept ADR Studio 5 iPhone 5

iPhone5 concept ADR Studio 6 iPhone 5

 

Categories: Apple, Gadgets Tags:

Hudson Manhattan Rye Whiskey

October 28th, 2011 David No comments

hudson manhattan whiskey Hudson Manhattan Rye Whiskey

It’s somewhat hard to believe, but rye hasn’t been produced in New York since the prohibition days of gangsters, speakeasies, and secret, booze-eating trap doors. Hudson Manhattan Rye Whiskey ($50) is out to remedy this. Hudson’s rye is made from whole grain rye, one batch at a time, ensuring a true 92 proof product, with a fruity, floral taste, unmistakable rye edge, and smooth finish. In addition, each bottle is hand-filled, capped, waxed, and numbered, and is, unsurprisingly, a nearly perfect base for a tasty manhattan.

Categories: Drinks Tags:

The tourist

October 27th, 2011 David No comments

A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
”Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

Categories: Funny Tags:

Tumi Ducati Collection

October 22nd, 2011 David No comments

tumi ducati Tumi Ducati Collection

Tumi and Ducati have collaborated on luggage before, but never has the result been so… colorful. The new Tumi Ducati Collection ($TBA) includes a variety of bright red bags, featuring three red travel cases made with Tumi’s multi-layer ABS polycarbonate material, nylon front panels, and aluminum handles, two duffel bags, and one backpack/crossbody bag. No word yet on how to get the bags to the airport aboard a Ducati, but we’re sure you’ll figure something out.

Categories: Gear, Style, Travel Tags:

Roth KRadio

October 17th, 2011 David No comments

roth kradio Roth KRadio

Shiny black plastic? Check. iPhone/iPod dock? Check. Ability to explain the “k” in its name? Okay, so the Roth KRadio (£200; roughly $330) can’t do everything, but it can give you access to thousands of Internet radio stations thanks to an Ethernet port and built-in Wi-Fi, playback music from your iPhone or iPod while it charges, hook up to DAB and DAB+ stations in Europe, wake you and your significant other up on time thanks to twin alarms, and even tune in “old time” radio with its FM tuner — and that’s good enough for us. [via]

Categories: Apple, Audio, iPhone Tags:
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